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There was an element of disbelief. It felt almost out of body, I was here again. I opened the email and read the expected words ‘not needed’. I let it settle over me: not wanted, not necessary, not welcome.
I haven’t yet come across a female coach who has not experienced some version of this at least once. You’ve made the mistake of being better than a man and for that you must be punished.
Often you don’t even need to be better, you may never know what you did. Something you did, maybe even just existing, you will have made an insecure man feel inadequate and that cannot go unanswered.
There’s a familiar pattern. It will start small, there will be comments, little barbs, always deniable. If you take issue, you’re told ‘it’s a joke’ even though you aren’t sure why it’s funny and no one else seems to be laughing.
You are an outsider who doesn’t get the camaraderie of the club, already you are being told that this isn’t your place and you don’t belong.
You might find that your achievements are ignored. They may even be claimed by other people.
A male coach might have been at the club for a few weeks, or never interacted with your athletes, but the club’s success is his success. He is amazing. He’s as an asset to the club, whilst you are a shadow.
You might try to work harder, demonstrate that you are a good coach, that you are part of the club. You and your labour are invisible. You feel taken for granted.
If you have the temerity to make a suggestion you get rebuked. These land too sharply, too abruptly. You notice that no one else gets spoken to that way.
Your doubt your reactions to these rebuttals: ‘Am I being too emotional?’
If you have the audacity to try and confront the issue, and speak about the constant undermining and bullying, you’ll find it’s brushed away. It’s called a miscommunication or a misunderstanding. It sounds like the Victorian accusation of feminine hysteria.
You might now be labelled as being difficult and causing problems. It’s time for you to go. No one wants a troublemaker. In people’s eyes, it’s not the club’s fault.
You might have evidence, often lots of it. It won’t be enough. You’re stuck in a game where the rules are constantly changing. They’ll find some other way to get you. They will bring up your working patterns, your caring responsibilities, your coaching practice; it doesn’t work for the club. It can’t be accommodated, no adjustments will be made.
You have to make a choice. If you push it, you risk damaging the club which will harm the athletes. You have to decide who you want to hurt, yourself or the athletes.
You will walk away. A good coach always puts others first, a leader always eats last. You are cut off from your athletes, the community you helped build.
You start it all over again at another club and hope it will be different. You and your coaching style doesn’t fit the traditional, male-shaped-mould. You’re not accepted, not welcome and not wanted all because of who you are.
There are many stories like mine. How much time, potential, innovation and opportunity has been lost?
Did you know there’s now coach memberships? There’s 3 tiers for coaches (or anyone who wants to support the work and wants support), there’s also a special tier for clubs and W&Gs sections. There’s a coaching hotline, access to webinar recordings, and monthly mentoring. Memberships start from £5 a month.